Seventeen months and counting... I am running out of fingers and toes...
Unmet desires suck. I have desired to be a father for over 20 years, I have loved on kids, other peoples kids for that long, poured into them, invested in their lives. God has used that desire, in a sense, to define my calling as a pastor. Nothing gets me more excited, and brings a smile to my face, than being around children.
I can be having the lousiest day, and if a kid comes by the church I can't help but be drawn out of my office, dark clouds disappear, and I can't help but smile. I love kids!
I don't begrudge that I have had 20 plus years of pouring into other peoples kids. I am so excited about doing that in my current church, still, after all he years of loving on others kids, but it doesn't satisfy the deeper desire to be a father.
Maybe my zeal for other peoples kids will diminish when I get my own? Nah, I just can't see it, in fact I think it will just make it grow as I will learn and experience even more about kids and be that much more excited about sharing it.
I would love to be able to start this fathering thing while I still have some energy left in my body, I ain't getting any younger! Running around with the kids on Wednesday night at our Kids club is a real rush...until about 9:00 that night, then this sneaky, but solid, wall creeps up and slams me down..."ugh what muscle is that, that is feeling like it is going to erupt out of my body...I didn't even know there were muscles there!"
I don't mind the concern others have as they see me hunched over trying to get my breath...I wasn't offended at all when the dear 97 year old saint of our church offered ME her walker...no, not at all, gotta love the love shown..right?!
I would just like to be able to run around in a park piggy backing my own child, pushing her on the swings, making goofy faces at her and doing stupid stuff to amuze her, rather than everyone elses kids...Let me be hunched over gasping for breath and totally elated that it was for JULIA... I have refined these actions down to an art, I don't need more practise, I WANT to do these things with my daughter.
3 comments:
Hey you! This is your mother speaking! You're not the only one who expected to be 'younger' when my grand-daughter came along. BUT you know what!? The times I'm on the floor with her and can't get up - I'll just stay there :). The times I run in the park with her and can't catch up to her... I'll call her to come back and sit on the park bench with me til I catch my breath. And if Julia wants to jump on the trampoline - I'll say....'sorry sweetheart, ask your dad'.
I understand that yearning in your heart sweetheart...I have it too.
It's going to happen, Randy. Just be patient. One day, it will be your turn. And no, you will never get over that love of kids. I teach Sunday school for that very reason. I adore them,and they aren't even my own...:-) You will be a GREAT DAD!!!!
Hang in there!
PS- Your mom is the sweetest!
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